I haven’t felt this way in years. I haven’t had to put on a facade in years. I haven’t had to lie about my sadness in years.
I’m upset that I’m not being taken seriously. That I’m being taken for granted. It makes me cry when I think about it. And I can’t say anything, because every time I do, I end up getting mad and starting an argument.
Never did I think that this person would make me this upset.
Guys always say “I want to give you better” or “I want to give you the world” but where’s the actions to back up those words?
Why do I never hear anymore that I’m beautiful? Why do you never tell me “you look great tonight” instead of “lipgloss? You know I hate that” after spending hours getting ready? Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you realize how heartbreaking it is? I had to go days calling you “handsome” and reminding you how handsome you are just to be able to hear one “gorgeous” in return.
A relationship is supposed to be 50/50. Where’s my half? Why do I always feel like I have to put in more effort? Why do I feel like I’m the one who’s busting her ass through school, through work, through volunteering to be able to get what I want?
Why when I asked you where you saw us in 3 years, you said “idk we’ll have to wait and see”. That broke my heart. Broke it to pieces. Because I see us together in 3 years. But you clearly don’t see much. In 3 years, we will have been together for 6 years. I will be 24. I’ll be either in my last year of my bachelors or my first year of dental school. I want to be able to start a life together in 3 years or at least take a step towards that.
But as of right now, it doesn’t seem like that’s where it’s heading. I feel like I’m not being taken seriously. That I’m being taken for granted. “Oh we’ve been together for 3 years, she’ll always be here. I can take my time.”
No. It’s been 3 years. 3. Years.
And that’s why I’m so heartbroken.
I’ve avoided and put writing this off as much as I could. But I can’t anymore.
You cannot base and stem your happiness from one person. It’s not fair to them, to feel responsible for your happiness and mental stability. It wasn’t fair to me, to base your entire meaning of life into the fact that I was by your side. It’s not fair to you, because once that person leaves, they take your happiness with them. And then you’re lost.
You always thought it was about the money. Sending me money, paying bills, paying for almost everything. You thought you could buy my affection after a certain point. It was never about the money. It was about stability. If it was about you funding me, I would have stayed.
It was about stability. Mental stability, financial stability, relationship stability.
You said I left you at your lowest. You had 7 years to get your life together. You had almost an entire decade. When would it have been the right time to leave? If you really knew when it was that the turning point for me happened, you would hate me. But you probably sensed it. I stayed for much longer than I thought I would. I blamed my lessening feelings on the fact that we were together for so long.
I begged for you to get your life together. There was always an excuse. “Never enough money, never enough resources, my life has always been this way“. Ah but yet, when offers were presented to you, they were turned down. You blamed it on your mental health. Yet you didn’t seek treatment that you and I both knew you needed.
Your toxic masculinity, whether you believe you have that mentality or not, has always been your demise. Men are strong, men have to have a strong character, men cannot have mental health issues, “ I just have to suck it up and deal with it”.
We rarely could have a conversation. We would go out to dinner and be on our phones. If we dated during a time where social media didn’t exist, we wouldn’t. We couldn’t hold a conversation. I would see other couples and seethe with jealousy. I would see other boyfriends consistently open doors for their girls, pump their gas, pick them up on dates, drive them around and I would fill with rage. Why not me? Why can’t he do that with me?
And then there were small things that always stuck with me throughout our relationship. You were loyal. Yet why were you calling her babe? Why were you telling her that you had a dream about her, that she looked beautiful that day? You might not remember those texts you sent to her, this was years ago, but I remember them. I cried to her about them, like an idiot. I remember seeing them. You will never understand the hurt I felt in my soul when I read them. I asked you to stop. Yet you continued. I found more texts, but I never brought it up again. But you continued calling her babe. How would you have felt, if I told any one of my guy friends that? If I called him babe? And let’s say I gave you the same excuse you gave me. “He’s been my friend for so long, it doesn’t mean anything, he’s so self conscious, I just like to let him know that he shouldn’t be”. Fuck you for that one bro.
I was a good fucking girlfriend. Yes, I could’ve been better. I could’ve improved so many things. But I stuck with you. Because I loved you, because I imagined my life with you.
You broke my heart long before I broke yours. You just never found out about it. I deserved better than what I was being given. That trip to Pennsylvania flipped a switch in me. So I left. Do you blame me?
